father

after my three hour float I went for a walk along the seawall, while I wait for my body and brain to sync back together.

as I watched the beautiful colours of the sunset, my thoughts drifted to the story I intend to share on September 22.

my VoiceStory Live show on the theme of aging.

again I see the vision
every time I let it unfold
it becomes more clear

this time new pieces are introduced.

I see that moment when I tried to have a conversation with my father... to connect with him.

again I opened with a silly request for help
this time I asked him how to cook wontons
this time I felt emotions I suppressed back then.

as the vision unfolded before me I could feel

the anxiety
the desire
the want to connect

as I shifted my perspective and relived that moment I could feel

I could feel...

guilt
sadness
remorse

much different dark emotions than before.

I am unaware of how much distance I have walked
the sun has dipped below the horizon
colours slowly fading to shadows

as I let myself feel.

the words of my speech echo inside my head
while I feel my heart being squeezed
and tears come to my eyes

as I look at that bowl of wontons.

I look up and see the back pages of the newspaper my father went back to reading.

I have always said "emotions are not bound by time"

and here I am
walking into the shadows
with part of this vision on repeat.

these dark emotions aren't painful
in fact I can feel
the subtle nuances

of love.

as I continue my walk
I reflect on the work I've done
over the last 20 years

in order to heal

so I can feel this.

#chasingbutterflies